Surviving the Silence of a Marriage That Took My Voice
The Song That Almost Didn’t Happen
There are songs you write because you want to — and then there are songs you write because you have to.
“Still Not Breathing” is one of the latter.
I wrote it in pieces, in whispers, in silence — over weeks when I could barely form words out loud. This song came from the slow, aching realization that I had spent years in a marriage where I wasn’t truly alive.
On the outside, everything looked fine.
On the inside, I was fading.
This is the story behind the song — and how it helped me find my way back to myself.
The Unseen Side of Emotional Abuse
When people hear the word “abuse,” they often picture bruises, shouting, slamming doors. But emotional abuse is different. It’s quiet. It’s clever. It disguises itself as love. It gaslights you into thinking you’re the problem.
You start shrinking to keep the peace.
You stop talking to avoid conflict.
You censor your joy.
You walk on eggshells in your own home.
In my case, I felt like I was constantly holding my breath — hoping not to upset him, hoping to be “good enough” again. It wasn’t dramatic. It was subtle. But it wore me down day after day.
Until I realized I wasn’t breathing anymore.
Do What You Have to do to Surviving
I didn’t plan to write Still Not Breathing as a song. It started as a journal entry on a sleepless night.
“Tell me how I’m still not breathing
Every heartbeat feels like leaving…”
That line became the heartbeat of the entire track.
Music became the only place where I could be honest. I wasn’t ready to talk to friends. I wasn’t ready to admit everything to myself. But I could sit at a piano and let it come out in melody.
This song gave me permission to name what I had been denying:
That I had disappeared inside someone else’s version of love.
And I wasn’t okay.
Healing Is Not a Straight Line
“Still Not Breathing” is not a happy ending song.
It’s a middle-of-it song.
It’s what it sounds like to stand in the wreckage, unsure if you’ll ever feel safe again — but knowing that pretending is no longer an option.
“I used to pray you’d come back home
Now I just pray I find my own…”
These words were my way of choosing myself for the first time in a long time.
Since writing the song, I’ve had to relearn what real love looks like — starting with the love I give to myself. I’m still healing. I’m still learning how to breathe again. But I’m not afraid of the silence anymore.
For Anyone Still Holding Their Breath
If you’re reading this and it resonates — maybe you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel like you anymore — please know:
You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. And you are not alone.
Even if you’re not ready to leave. Even if you don’t know what to do next. Just know that what you feel matters.
And you deserve to breathe.
Listen to “Still Not Breathing”
You can stream the song now on all major platforms:
- 🎧 Spotify
- 🎧 Apple Music
- 🎧 YouTube
Watch the official music video on YouTube.
Final Thoughts
I wrote “Still Not Breathing” because I needed it.
But I’m sharing it now because someone else might too.
If it speaks to you, I hope you’ll share it. Send it to a friend who’s struggling. Play it in your car when you need strength. Let it remind you: surviving is not weakness — it’s proof that your story isn’t over yet.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for breathing with me.
With love 🖤
Mathilde Toft